Autism only applies to children

"It's Asperger's and Autism Awareness month! In honor of all children who struggle every day!!"

Every now and again I see similar things appear on my Facebook newsfeed from well-intentioned people trying to 'raise awareness' of the suffering that autistic children face. Inevitably with World Autism Awareness Week (27th March - 2nd April 2017) coming up, I expect to see more of those kinds of social media posts. 

There's a few things that irritate:

Firstly they claim to raise awareness and provide no education, no quick facts or anything that we can learn. If you want to raise awareness, actually provide some meaningful and useful content might be a starting point, yes?! When is Asperger's and Autism Awareness month anyway?!

This notion of universal daily struggling or suffering kinda grates on me. Actually some days as an autistic person I couldn't actually say I struggle. I've had issues all my life but I am not sure if it's just manageable (ish!) because this is all I have known or if in the grand scheme of things, I am generally okay? I avoid stuff that upsets me and that's my coping mechanism. I know certain social activities and career paths would upset me so I don't do it. Simple, right?!

Okay, I get sensory overload and yes it's unpleasant but it's not constantly upsetting me. I am one of the fortunate ones who can generally extract myself from situations before they get to the point of a meltdown. I realise too that not all autistic people can do that and perhaps I am on the end of the scale where I have fewer undesirable autism related aspects about myself than many others.

Autism doesn't impact on my mobility either so I think myself lucky that I can do lots of things for myself. 

When I think of suffering, I think of someone with chronic pain and challenges that impact their lives so greatly that a large chunk of it is utterly miserable. Maybe I am an ablest amongst the autistic demographic but I have never put myself in a category of where I feel I suffer daily. I won't apologise for that either. My lens is how I view the world and I can't pretend to fully know or understand everyone's view but I can try (despite supposedly autistic people being void of empathy - yeah, right!). Sure, life can be struggle at times but autistic people don't have a monopoly on that. 

The whole "in honour of" thing...

Are autistic people in need of celebrating or having our challenges, differences and similarities respected via a little Facebook post? We didn't pick to be like this. We didn't earn this cognitive style. It makes as much sense to me as celebrating people with blue eyes. 

WELL DONE all you lot with the eyes the colour of the sky. You worked so hard just being yourself. 

This is how we are and I think most of us, like the rest of the planet, generally get on with it the best we can?! 

It's all a bit patronising for me.

Finally.... 

There is some notion that within these copy and paste crap that autistic adults are off the radar. 

Do only autistic children count? Now you're 18, the Facebook concerned no longer bother about us. Or maybe they think we have a terminal disease called autism whereby we don't actually reach adulthood. Incidentally, I am exceeding all lifespan predictions being in my 30s... Or perhaps one of my autism super powers is cheating death by using complex mathematics?!

Hmmmm or maybe by the time one leaves childhood, we have magically grown out of our cognitive style and become fully signed up members of the "Normal Club"?! Here we have lost our sense of systemising, become extremely empathic and gained wonderful social skills to become an artful host within high society. 

Or more likely, we just get on with it. We perfect our coping mechanisms in time, we learn how to pretend we're okay, understand more about ourselves to avoid things in life that upset us and perhaps care a little less about what others think. It's not that we have cognitively changed in our essence but many intellectually higher functioning autistic people probably have adapted from where they were in early childhood.

So when I see such Facebook posts, don't be surprised if I remind the person about the existence of autistic adults. It's not to be pedantic (ok, yes a touch!) but because it's attitudes like that which reinforce the view that only those in education and young people are entitled to autism related support. This is because I often feel like the existence of autistic adults is denied unless they have comorbidities and require social care and institutionalisation. Us autistics who seem okay on the surface are often forgotten. Time and time again, I think back to my experiences of working in education and my life and seeing support in schools and colleges but it almost disappears overnight once one has left their educational institution.

So please, let's not make sweeping statements that do nothing to help anyone, spread generalisations and misinformation but also ignore a sizeable demographic with autism. I'm not sure we need your kind of sympathy...

Now, if you like, you can return to your fake news, click bait websites and videos of extremely daft people doing very daft things! 

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School reports: spotting the autism

I was going through some cupboards and found a folder of old school reports. Some were from primary school and some from secondary.
I decided it might be useful to see if there were any clues to indicate that I had autism. After all, I went on to have a diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome in my mid-20s and it's something that would have been present throughout my childhood too.
I have copied out quotes from the reports.

Primary School

• She does not always listen to instructions very attentively and is apt to day-dream.
• Art work remains immature (!!) Poor motor control and finds drawing accurately, cutting out smoothly, etc., very difficult.
• PE - Finds all ball skills extremely difficult. I have dyspraxia.
• She has strong opinions and will voice them readily in discussion. She is not swayed by what anyone else thinks.
• She sometimes finds it difficult to concentrate on aural work. I do have sensory overload problems and too much information can make me shut down.
• It took time for her to settle into a new class routine as she initially seemed unhappy at new friendship groupings. I guess I was a bit resistant to change?
• She writes very imaginatively.
• She is very much an individualist and likes to fully understand each task before she works on it. This makes sense because I like to know everything about something.

Secondary School

• Occasionally seems to be in a dream when instructions are given out, but once she knows what to do she gets on well. That'll be the sensory overload.
• She is very independent in spirit and in behaviour, and on the whole this is no bad thing, but it can be a handicap during some science experiments when there is not enough apparatus for people to work on their own. Enquiring mind. I do like my own company but this was during my first year of secondary school. I didn't know anyone in my form well or at all whereas the others had ready-made friendship groups imported from their primary schools. It is hard to join existing friendship groups but even harder for someone with autism.
• Quiet, conscientious worker. Single-minded. I am a determined sort of person and will give it my all when I am focused and want to. 
• Music - She needs to try to work more cooperatively in a small group; she does not always fully grasp the requirements of the task given, and needs further explanation before she can proceed - possibly this is because she tends to let her mind wander. I don't think I necessarily heard the task correctly and understood it because of my sensory overload and taking instructions literally. Sometimes the music tasks where too abstract such as compose a music piece to reflect time. I remember that well and thinking I dunno, this means nothing to me so I just added some banging on a triangle to suggest a clock striking. The work was considered rather unsophisticated but I didn't have much of a clue of how to meet the learning outcomes.
• She is underachieving this year. She is disengages herself from class activities to a startling extent, and does not work well at all as part of a team. This year 8 English teacher regularly upset me. I did brilliantly well with my Year 7 English teacher who praised me and got me out of my shell and I wrote lots of creative and exciting bits of work. The following year this dragon came along and I felt I couldn't be me. I felt wrong all the time so I withdrew. My year 7 teacher taught me in year 9 and was horrified by how much I had not progressed. 
• PE - she appears to have difficulty co-operating with her peers. I didn't like PE because I felt that the picking of the teams were unnecessarily cruel because two sporty popular people were given the posts of team captains and it was always horrible to be one of the last to be picked. I felt like some bloody ball and chain on their otherwise great netball/hockey team.
• Science - she works quietly and on her own most of the time. She can sometimes show some reluctance to do an activity, particularly those requiring group work or presentations. Yup, the loner/poor socal skills thing.
• Written work thorough. I have a great attention to detail when I put my mind to it.
• I have been particularly pleased that a pupil who is shy by nature has made such an effort to take an active part in lessons (GCSE Sociology). Its easy why - I liked the teacher who plainly liked me as it was clear I loved his subject and we both shared the dislike for people who don't want to learn to the extent that they spoil it for others. Interestingly, I met him in a pub in my late 20s and he remembered me, thanking me for giving him all my typed up GCSE and A Level notes.
• She produces a nice tone on the recorder :p
• It appears that she is constantly making excuses for herself in some lessons. I wonder why an able girl says that she is not able to learn something? (GCSE - Head of year) I wish I could remember what it was that I said I couldn't learn. 

Sixth Form - A Levels

Theology

• She has suffered some recent setbacks in Old Testament. I wish I knew what that meant, although it must be referring to the module on my Religious Studies course. I think it was a bit information overload and intense since we were analysing verses out of the Bible on themes, such as human destination, God's identity and worship style. We were looking at the OT to see how the view of life after death changed is no small task for a 16/17 year old. I remember how we studied Moses and the burning bush and how God revealed his name. 
• Her greatest problem is getting her good ideas down, in a logical order, whilst working at speed.
• Has a rambling approach to essays
• She makes many interesting and very individual verbal contributions in class.

Business and Economics

• She is producing work at a variable standard - if at all. I found that if I didn't have an interest in something, I would be totally turned off. Mind you, I wanted to study A Level Economics but there wasn't enough students so we got put in a Business and Economics combined A Level class which wasn't what I wanted to study. 
• No effort to participate or contribute to discussion. Boring subject.
• Surprised by a high grade in the mock exam. I can pull things out of the bag at last minute if I have to.
• She must ask for help if needed.

Sociology

• Evidence of thorough revision
• Never afraid to ask questions and take part in discussions. 
• Her contributions are thoughtful and always to the point.
• Determined student
• Well structured written work and focused on the questions
• I just liked the subject and teacher so I was in a safe place to be me and not allow others to put me off my enjoyment of the course.

Maths

• She needs to be much more open about her difficulties, seeking support outside of lesson time.
• I gave up this course as I couldn't process getting A grades in Statistics and ungraded in the other units.

Overall

• She can always be relied upon
• She sometimes appears to be very negative about her work.
• She is a quiet, thoughtful and loyal member of the form.
• She has a very strong sense of what is right and wrong. 

Conclusions

Primary school was a largely structured environment full of rules. It was a place in which I felt relatively safe so I think I ticked by okay.

Secondary school was not quite so. We were asked who our friends were during the applying for high school process. This was to work out where we would be placed into classes at high school but I wasn't placed with anyone who was a good friend and it made for a difficult first year. Alas also some of my primary school chums were off to other schools too. Fortunately we had enough demand for the school to make another form for year 8 so we got reshuffled. I think this is telling in my school report because I was unsettled again as I found my way with the new class so some progress I made went back during my second year of school, namely in English. The shuffle was good in that there were some lovely people from primary school in my new form class but also some difficult people too. It made for a challenging school life.

It seems apparent to me that my ability to comprehend spoken instructions were impaired. I know this to be true because any long dialogues can be hard for me to process and I can forget what has been said. Given that the teachers recognise that I might need it repeated, and after which I get on well with my work, it is surprising that this wasn't implemented. It would have been much more useful if the teacher had written the task on the board for those of us who have information overload problems and sensory overload regrading sounds so we could read through the task in our own time.

It is apparent that my motor skills were poor in both art and physical education but this was due to my Dyspraxia. I also had help at primary school with my handwriting because I didn't find it easy to hold a pen. I remember seeing a lady each week for specialist support. 

As I got older in secondary school, I found myself to be in some lessons with my form, which were mixed ability, and in classes that were streamed by ability. It seems obvious to me that where I showed a lack of wanting to participate in group work this was where there wasn't anyone I wanted to pair up with. I never really put myself out there to make friends because I was perfectly happy to be by myself but it was obviously problematic when I had to. I never liked group work much because I resented how some people could coast along off the back of other people's hard work. It bothered me how some wouldn't contribute. However, some of my later classes I shared with my brother so we often worked together on things too. It took some of the social difficulties away from me through having an ally. 

"It appears that she is constantly making excuses for herself in some lessons. I wonder why an able girl says that she is not able to learn something?" (GCSE - Head of year)

We have the answer now. I wasn't making excuses - I was telling them that I was having problems and no one listened. I didn't know about autism and I certainly didn't think I had any learning difficulties. I don't think in the mid-90s secondary schools were really understanding autism in intellectually higher functioning girls. We only started having teaching assistants around this time in mainstream schools and that was for children with physical difficulties. It was a time when Special educational needs and disability (SEND) wasn't on the agenda and teachers perhaps were blaming things on the student's attitude rather than factors beyond our control. I went through a phase of anger that my schools never picked this up but they were a product of their time. I have learnt to let much of it go.

Whilst I don't see masses of hints about my autism, it is clear that it was present in my schooling. I wonder how different life would have been if I had known early on? I guess what I can take from this is that no one accommodated my needs, such as it is after one leaves education. As tough as it was, it must have helped me enormously in learning how to deal with issues off my own back and find my coping mechanisms. And perhaps that has been a good thing for me.

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How I came to be diagnosed

I suppose it might be useful to explain how I was diagnosed with autism. I wasn't diagnosed through school or as a preschooler like many are.

It all started in 2000 when I was learning to drive. I have an automatic driving licence as I found it difficult with my coordination and multi-tasking. It took me nearly 18 months to get there after having my first and only manual instructor tell my mother he didn't think I was up to it after 2-3 lessons. It wasn't very nice. I passed on my second test with 3 minors - 2 for speeding and 1 for using an indicator too early.

My automatic driving instructor noticed my abilities were limited and she got me thinking I was dyspraxic as she knew a lot about the condition. It makes sense considering a driving instructor gets to see how people react to the road and how they operate a vehicle.

It wasn't until 2007 through Canterbury Christ Church University where I was studying a MSc in computing that I got an official diagnosis for dyspraxia. It was flagged then that I might have Aspergers. This was later confirmed 2/3 years later after seeing my GP and then seeing a specialist at Folkestone's hospital. I forget the dates, which is funny as they were life changing events!!

When it happened, I felt angry. For a long time I struggled with the autism diagnosis but I was always at peace with the dyspraxia one. I almost became my label and was lost for a few years in it all. It was like my senses became super sharp and everything got on my nerves.
Before the diagnosis, I felt that people had shunned me because they had a problem with themselves and were just bad people but then I realised maybe me was the oddball who was this outsider looking in.

I started to re-evaluate my childhood and it wasn't good. I could see all those moments where things had gone wrong.
I could see those times when I was having meltdowns rather than tantrums.

Like the time when in PE we were setting up some wooden gym equipment using ropes and pullies. I had a beam to lower and the PE teacher was securing something in place. She told me to wait a moment before I continued. So I took her literally and waited a moment and lowered the beam, nearly knocking her head off with this lump of wood. She then humiliated me in front of the class despite that I did what I was told. It was so unjust. I hated her ever after and it made me resent PE more so.

Or when I remember at school we had to do some creative writing that was 'outside the box' so I wrote about a homeless person wanting to get outside of his cardboard box. Some might take that as evidence of autism to take things literally.

I had moments in my late teens of feeling unable to navigate the whole dating thing and would resort to alcohol to cope with social situations. I ended up behaving in ways that were neither safe or wise. I vaguely recall running into a road drunk and nearly getting run over by a car in midst of a meltdown. I thank the swift actions of a much more sensible friend for looking out for me! The story could have ended much worse.

My life was littered with lot of situations of getting it wrong when all I had done was follow the rules exactly as stated or just wanting to be liked and fit in.

It was a very difficult and emotional time accepting the diagnosis and at moments, I actually seriously considered ending my life. I felt lost and didn't know where to turn. I was angry with my schools for not picking up on things and for the system leaving me with a diagnosis and no guidance on how to process it. I had no help except a few contacts for self-help groups that I had zero interest in going to.

I began to realise that back in the 80s, special needs awareness wasn't so developed and I started to let that go. I felt at least at peace with my primary school. I still feel cross that I was left with this diagnosis and no help but I am aware it boils down to one's address. This is generally how it works for medical and care needs. What one gets is dependent on where one lives. It is very sad that there's this inequality in available services.

However, the educational psychologist did identify that I had an exceptional awareness of myself and this was what gets me through life so well. I have never had any proper ASC/D support and I am who I am because I have always wanted to be neuro-typical. At times it had been obsessive.

Some time has passed and I have stopped being so obsessive about this autistic label or at least it's not controlling me so much. At times it does, but it's getting better. I am still trying to accept myself.
It has helped with time as the sensory overload has reduced as my tolerance levels have increased. I have come to realise that the more anxious I am and the more upset I am in myself, the worse it is. Being relaxed is the key and I am a much more confident person, partly as I care much less about pleasing people and trying to be liked. Teenage years are tough as kids so want to be liked by their peers but with age I have learnt that it's not that important beyond school. Real friends will see me for who I am.

I have learnt that I need routine. Being out of work was a time in my life that did me no good whatsoever and it was an extremely low point in my life.
I understand now that I am not a very self-motivated person and need someone behind me to place a rocket under me to keep me on track. I'm blessed that I have various people who offer that and that was partly why my self-employment didn't work out. I get overwhelmed by big tasks and put my head in the sand so it's vital my work is broken down into smaller tasks.

During my pregnancy I completed some medical research at University of Kent on people with Aspergers and anxiety. It was a group thing looking at cognitive behavioural therapy. I learnt nothing from it (although I accept others may well have) except that however bad I thought my life was, I wasn't half as bad as the other guys in the room. It gave me some perspective as to where I was in the autistic world.

I admit my outcome of that research was a little unsympathetic to the others but they were much younger than me and wouldn't necessarily be able to relate to things like pregnancy, partners and having one's house extended. Many were just not as far along their journey as I was so they hadn't yet got to my place too.
However, it's good sometimes to be reflective on the severity of my autism.
I am blessed in that I have achieved all that I have and sometimes I lose my way and don't appreciate what I have.

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