I suppose it might be useful to explain how I was diagnosed with autism. I wasn't diagnosed through school or as a preschooler like many are.
It all started in 2000 when I was learning to drive. I have an automatic driving licence as I found it difficult with my coordination and multi-tasking. It took me nearly 18 months to get there after having my first and only manual instructor tell my mother he didn't think I was up to it after 2-3 lessons. It wasn't very nice. I passed on my second test with 3 minors - 2 for speeding and 1 for using an indicator too early.
My automatic driving instructor noticed my abilities were limited and she got me thinking I was dyspraxic as she knew a lot about the condition. It makes sense considering a driving instructor gets to see how people react to the road and how they operate a vehicle.
It wasn't until 2007 through Canterbury Christ Church University where I was studying a MSc in computing that I got an official diagnosis for dyspraxia. It was flagged then that I might have Aspergers. This was later confirmed 2/3 years later after seeing my GP and then seeing a specialist at Folkestone's hospital. I forget the dates, which is funny as they were life changing events!!
When it happened, I felt angry. For a long time I struggled with the autism diagnosis but I was always at peace with the dyspraxia one. I almost became my label and was lost for a few years in it all. It was like my senses became super sharp and everything got on my nerves.
Before the diagnosis, I felt that people had shunned me because they had a problem with themselves and were just bad people but then I realised maybe me was the oddball who was this outsider looking in.
I started to re-evaluate my childhood and it wasn't good. I could see all those moments where things had gone wrong.
I could see those times when I was having meltdowns rather than tantrums.
Like the time when in PE we were setting up some wooden gym equipment using ropes and pullies. I had a beam to lower and the PE teacher was securing something in place. She told me to wait a moment before I continued. So I took her literally and waited a moment and lowered the beam, nearly knocking her head off with this lump of wood. She then humiliated me in front of the class despite that I did what I was told. It was so unjust. I hated her ever after and it made me resent PE more so.
Or when I remember at school we had to do some creative writing that was 'outside the box' so I wrote about a homeless person wanting to get outside of his cardboard box. Some might take that as evidence of autism to take things literally.
I had moments in my late teens of feeling unable to navigate the whole dating thing and would resort to alcohol to cope with social situations. I ended up behaving in ways that were neither safe or wise. I vaguely recall running into a road drunk and nearly getting run over by a car in midst of a meltdown. I thank the swift actions of a much more sensible friend for looking out for me! The story could have ended much worse.
My life was littered with lot of situations of getting it wrong when all I had done was follow the rules exactly as stated or just wanting to be liked and fit in.
It was a very difficult and emotional time accepting the diagnosis and at moments, I actually seriously considered ending my life. I felt lost and didn't know where to turn. I was angry with my schools for not picking up on things and for the system leaving me with a diagnosis and no guidance on how to process it. I had no help except a few contacts for self-help groups that I had zero interest in going to.
I began to realise that back in the 80s, special needs awareness wasn't so developed and I started to let that go. I felt at least at peace with my primary school. I still feel cross that I was left with this diagnosis and no help but I am aware it boils down to one's address. This is generally how it works for medical and care needs. What one gets is dependent on where one lives. It is very sad that there's this inequality in available services.
However, the educational psychologist did identify that I had an exceptional awareness of myself and this was what gets me through life so well. I have never had any proper ASC/D support and I am who I am because I have always wanted to be neuro-typical. At times it had been obsessive.
Some time has passed and I have stopped being so obsessive about this autistic label or at least it's not controlling me so much. At times it does, but it's getting better. I am still trying to accept myself.
It has helped with time as the sensory overload has reduced as my tolerance levels have increased. I have come to realise that the more anxious I am and the more upset I am in myself, the worse it is. Being relaxed is the key and I am a much more confident person, partly as I care much less about pleasing people and trying to be liked. Teenage years are tough as kids so want to be liked by their peers but with age I have learnt that it's not that important beyond school. Real friends will see me for who I am.
I have learnt that I need routine. Being out of work was a time in my life that did me no good whatsoever and it was an extremely low point in my life.
I understand now that I am not a very self-motivated person and need someone behind me to place a rocket under me to keep me on track. I'm blessed that I have various people who offer that and that was partly why my self-employment didn't work out. I get overwhelmed by big tasks and put my head in the sand so it's vital my work is broken down into smaller tasks.
During my pregnancy I completed some medical research at University of Kent on people with Aspergers and anxiety. It was a group thing looking at cognitive behavioural therapy. I learnt nothing from it (although I accept others may well have) except that however bad I thought my life was, I wasn't half as bad as the other guys in the room. It gave me some perspective as to where I was in the autistic world.
I admit my outcome of that research was a little unsympathetic to the others but they were much younger than me and wouldn't necessarily be able to relate to things like pregnancy, partners and having one's house extended. Many were just not as far along their journey as I was so they hadn't yet got to my place too.
However, it's good sometimes to be reflective on the severity of my autism.
I am blessed in that I have achieved all that I have and sometimes I lose my way and don't appreciate what I have.
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