Supermarkets, Motherhood and small kid tantrums

Once a week I go to a supermarket on my day off from work to do the 'big shop'.
Supermarkets are often places of nightmares for autistic people and when I am feeling low in myself, they can be my nightmare.

The lights can be bright. Too bright. I remember my mother saying she couldn't stand a particular supermarket because the lights flickered and triggered her migraines. She's not alone there. I don't like the brightness and the flashing of lights on some displays during some seasonal promotions.
However, I believe the local Abercrombie and Fitch store has gone completely the other way and one requires a bloody torch to find one's way around the shop, to be edgy or perhaps they just use extremely low watt bulbs to create even more profit. I've so got to take a torch there one day.... That's got its own unique challenges for autistic people and the visually impaired!
And don't get me started on them only hiring shop assistants who are pretty since they are 'models' not checkout assistants...

There can just be too much to look at too, making my head feel overwhelmed by the sheer range of choice with each product trying to get my attention through its packaging. I think though this can be offset a little by the way in which the supermarket is laid out so that shelves and people do not feel too close to each other. There are people all over the place with their trolleys too, trying not to ram each other. There's always the stupid one who makes me think that if that's how they push a trolley, I really hope they are not going out into that car park later and drive...
There is the social anxiety of having to get passed someone who's in the way and me wanting to look at a shelf and someone is blocking it whilst on their phone. There's the boxes in cages in front of the item I want because it's seen as a good dumping ground for it. I never quite know if I should move the cage or not.

I don't tend to have many problems with smell and I think perhaps the combination of my asthma and rhinitis limits the extent of it but I do not have a huge trigger in terms of that sense. I don't personally mind the smell of the on-site bakery and I have fond memories from 15 years ago of waiting at a bus stop next to a Tesco supermarket early in the morning breathing in the glorious smell of baked bread. However, there's the people who go crazy in the toiletries section and must sample every scent to make some hideous gas cloud. That will make me feel overloaded and disgusted, as I think most people would, autistic or not.

There's so many people all chattering away to their shopping buddies and to people on the phones. Other noises like the sound systems and public address announcements appear with no warning and can shock if its particularly loud. A particular shop in my home town has a poor quality sound system and pipes the local radio station through it. Alas, I can't easily shop under one of the ceiling speakers as the sound is so distorted and unpleasant that it does my head in. Way to go, M&Co!
Things can go wrong with trolleys and people bang them about into pillars and all sorts.
Children can be screaming and parents call out for their child to come back as they run off to the toy section.

That last one is all very familiar to me on a personal level and I know that it isn't always easy to have a child who has model behaviour out in public.
I have my young child with me who is now 4.

When she was a baby it was complicated as I wanted to get in and out as fast as possible, mostly because no new mother wants a child with a dirty nappy and half a trolley of food all at the same time. As any sensible parent can attest, one feeds their child and makes sure they have a clean bum before leaving the house. At least sudden changes of plan don't normally happen and anxiety doesn't have to occur about what to do about that smelly poo and the unpaid for tub of ice cream in the trolley.
Most of the time it was simple enough if I picked my timings well. The baby would sleep and I would have to fend off irritating people who wanted to ask annoying questions about my child. I generally coped okay because the conversations were very formulated and predictable but occasionally there was the odd person who thought my child was public property to maul over. Setting boundaries with the general public isn't easy for anyone.
Maybe I was lucky but I found myself doing okay. I was more focused on getting about the place and getting back before she woke up and I needed to get back home to express milk for her. I felt like I was mostly in control and holding myself together.

I won't go into this now as I think this merits a post in its own right but I expressed milk for my baby to when she was just over two and a half years old. I found that my tolerance levels to a lot of sensory overload was lower during this time than it normally was despite facing a lot more difficulties with a new child and all the things that a mother will face.
When I weaned, my tolerance levels dropped and the change of routine was difficult for me. There is some research out there about oxytocin and autism. The hormone is associated with creating feelings of love and bonding and it triggers the letdown reflex in mothers that pushes the milk out. I don't know much about it so it requires some looking into but I can say that my time with all that extra hormone in me made me cope well with things that would otherwise have caused me a lot of panic and meltdowns.

However, as my child got older and wanted to no longer be in the trolley, I found my ability to keep her under my control increasingly difficult and I was no longer having my daily top ups of oxytocin. Sometimes we would have peaceful trips but other times the little one would have a tantrum and a battle of wills broke out. If she doesn't get her own way (wants to look at something or have a toy), she might lay on the floor and scream. She can scream and refuse to move. It is a nightmare and I am acutely aware of my social anxiety with people judging me to be a poor parent. Then my tolerance levels for all the sounds and people can crash where I feel everything is coming towards me like all the sounds and people are suffocating me and I need to get out and away, Its like in that moment I become hypersensitive to everything and the world slows down. I feel a tad disconnected from the rest of the world but only for a fraction of a moment, Its extremely weird but it happens over seconds. I have to walk away from her to reconnect and reboot myself and this helps me get the focus I need to be a good parent. I never walk away where I give up my parental responsibilities or so that her safety is compromised but I now distance myself from her by a few metres. I am unsure if this is the best parental technique but it is the best for me. There is no good me having a meltdown whilst in charge of a preschooler having a tantrum. I need to be the strong one when she can't be.

Now, I am able to battle through my anxieties and sensory overload to get myself and my daughter into a place of safety, such as home where we can recover. I can get myself into a state of logic to deal with her rantings by talking to her and understanding why she is upset so most of the time its easier to prevent things from escalating than to firefight. I can do that fairly okay and I can pay for the shopping and drive us all safety to home. BUT, I am tired. I am in a poor way that evening and she's not going to get a complicated dinner that day!

I do acknowledge that a child who misbehaves in a shop is hard enough for any parent (whatever the reason) but when mixed with an autism in the parent, it can make for a stressful experience. All I can do is try and prevent things and take extra care as we head into the busy Christmas period where shops turn EXTRA crazy and not at all autistic friendly.

Interestingly. ASDA is running an hour a week in the Manchester area for an autistic shopping experience, Whilst it might not tick all the boxes for everyone, its great for those who will benefit from less noise! See the article here